"When I go back to bars on the west side in midtown, where I've felt uncomfortable, in my head, I have to say to myself, 'You're loved, you have an awesome partner, you have great friends, you're good,'" he said. But when he does enter mainstream spaces, he often has to arm himself with his own personal mantra. Diaz also said he's found refuge in the bear scene. But during his single years, the bars were often unwelcoming to people of his size, he said. "It was very unwarranted."ĭiaz is currently in a relationship where he says his partner loves him at his current size. "I didn't ask for his opinion," Diaz said. While the date went well enough in person, when he went back home, the man messaged him with a simple offer: "Hey! If you need a fitness instructor, let me know." Of course, we know Grindr is a hotbed of racism and even anti-Islamic sentiment - but, hey, it's sizeist, too, according to Diaz.Ī few years back, Diaz went on a date with a man he met on Grindr in Florida. Perhaps only the sexual portrayal of a man of size is Daniel Franzese's HIV-positive bear character on HBO's Looking, who is allowed to be tender, romantic, attractive and wanted.Īccording to Diaz, these messages about what a gay guy looks like manifest in how gay men treat each other in person and on dating apps. Though each talented in their own right, none were ever explicitly sexual or sexualized. Who are the visibly gay, overweight men out there? You can almost count them on one hand - there's Cam on Modern Family (played by straight actor Eric Stonestreet), perennial left-of-center-square comedic writer Bruce Vilanch and intern-no-more Ross Mathews. But, many also said that there are very few sexual or romantic depictions of big men. Many respondents told Mic that the bear community was a surprising, welcoming refuge from spaces that might have been less friendly to their weight. While it has been a refuge for almost every person I interviewed, it's also come with its own weird set of expectations about who you can date, whatever size you have to be. The bear community, Lopez explained, like all subcommunities, is not immune to negativity. "There's this hierarchy, and it depends on who you are and who you're interested in dating."
"Are you a big boy? Are you a big boy with muscle? Are you a total chub?" Lopez explained. Lopez said his whole world changed then, but that it's still not without its pressures. In fact, Lopez said, it wasn't until he was 30 that he attended an event in the bear community - a community of gay men who are usually larger, taller and hairier than one might find in the mainstream gay community. "I was like, 'Wait, are you gay? And you're this gorgeous big hairy dude? What?" The mentor, Gabe remembered, was a gorgeous, gay man of size. The first time he saw someone living a life that he hoped to live one day was in a church youth group he attended. "I had to disidentify myself with white culture, gay culture and cultures of acceptable bodies," Gabe told Mic. "And, you know, that's a fucking ton of work."Īs a queer brown boy, Gabe didn't see anybody on TV, on newsstands or elsewhere who acted as a model for him. And, growing into his gay identity has meant refusing to hold standards put upon him by his own community. Gabe told me that being big, gay and Asian has meant dealing with all of his identities and their different cultural perceptions of being overweight. Gabe, a Wisconsin resident and Midwesterner since birth, said growing up and entering the gay community meant learning quickly that there are schema for acceptable, normal bodies: the cis hairless twink, the sorta-hairy hunk or the gym bunny. And, like me, his journey to the shirtless selfie was a lifelong one. recently sent his first shirtless sext, too.